It's easier to run

I'm going to lose it,

or perhaps,

I am losing it

FUCK

i just wrote up the longest entry EVER
and livejournal did something weird and now it's gone





I was pretty frustrated to begin with too

you know how people scream into pillows in books and on tv??? i sort of need to go do that right now

Stuff I'd like to get done in the next 2-3 years, in order of feasibility, from most feasible to least feasible.

• Go to Europe (this is pretty much a given)
• Keep in touch with my HS and duke friends (also pretty much a given)
• Run the Wa Duke trail (2.9miles) in under 25min (current best time is 25:10)
• Eat wagyu beef/kobe steak ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobe_beef )
• Do 5 unassisted chin-ups (current is 2)
• Eat fugu ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fugu )
• Have a pet dog (the only reason this is so far down on the list is because I might be too busy to have a dog)
• Run a road 5k in under 25min (current best time is 25:32)
• Get a 4.0 in one of my two remaining semesters
• Run the NJ marathon (May 2011?)
• Get >35 on MCATs
• Be an author (middle, unimportant author is fine) in published research
• Graduate from Duke Cum Laude
• Run the Beijing marathon (October 2011? It would be a dream come true to do this and have my grandparents and aunt/uncle/cousin cheer for me)
• Stop chewing gum compulsively (I am completely serious about this one)

I am so glad I am not who I used to be

So I've been working in a biotech company this summer, right? Although I've found the experience extremely valuable and have learned a huge amount of info/techniques/practical applications of biology, I've also begun to realize that I don't want to make a career out of research. These glimpses into my boss/ the principal investigators' lives have shown me that the work is always exciting and intellectually stimulating, but I don't think I'm patient enough for the journey. 4, 5 years of a PhD followed by a post-doctoral period whose termination is only brought on by some job prospect? Not to mention that people with PhDs are too over-educated and over-qualified for the brunt of the job market, thus making the job hunt even more tedious AND the recession/depression/what-have-you that would PROBABLY result in putting research on the government's backburner of funding (despite how much Barack Obama priorities science and research)...... this translates to many years of being a student, and many years working on a lab bench. I like the thinking and learning aspects of research, but dislike physically carrying it out -- especially on a molecular/system/organism level.

Research in neuroscience was the direction towards which I was heading up until... oh, two weeks ago... when I decided to hop back on the medical school train. I've been on this train since ......age 4 or 5, mind you, and even applied to a combined 7-year BA/MD program (Rutgers/UMDNJ) before ultimately picking Duke because it seemed like it would be a higher-quality undergraduate experience, plus med school limited my options while Duket "opened up doors to more opportunities," which is what any wide-eyed high school graduate wants to have. It was all about the wide open path and the journey back then, regardless of the destination. I wanted to experience, I wanted to obtain a "world-class education," I wanted those intellectual conversations in coffee shops at midnight a random thursday with my fellow "scholars" (I was quite brainwashed by pamphlets and brochures in my "fat envelope" acceptance). And besides, isn't that what people do when they get into a school like Duke? I mean, don't they go?

Well, the weather was quite nice in north carolina but I'm not sure if it was worth $200,000

(heh, kidding ;p)

In all seriousness, Duke didn't (has not? I guess I can't speak in teh past tense since I have a year left) meet my expectations, or maybe I did not meet the expectations of Duke. At duke, I am mediocre in every way possible. My GPA is slightly above average, my extracurriculars vastly below. When I go outside in a north face jacket, I look just like every. other. girl. on. campus. I blend in especially well if I hold a bottle of diet coke.  And being mediocre at Duke has made me timid. I care much more about what people think of me now than I did before, or  than I do when I'm at home. I back away from things I enjoy, because I'd rather not participate at all than be incompetent compared to others. I can list numerous "wanted tos" and "could haves" in the past 5 semesters: write regularly for the chron, be more active in asa and center for race relations... I dabbled, but never fully committed in anythin because I wasn't a good enough writer, because I wasn't outspoken enough, because I didn't know anyone. Because I'd feel less self-doubt if I just sat in my room by myself. Why is this? Why have I let myself be held back in this way? Why do I feel so good during the summer when I'm home, so much more myself? And every summer, I resolve to "have the best year ever," only to see that goal crumble by a month or two in.

The bottom line is that I have had some great times at Duke, some good times, some bad days, and some really awful ones. Besides feeling pretty dumb/ugly/fat/[insert-self-deprecating-feeling-here] at times, I have also been humbled and inspired. I try not to regret any of my time at Duke, but rather, the time that I was away -- the semester I went on a medical leave. The nagging feeling of loss from taking spring of freshman off (and I was "barely there" fall of freshman year anyway because I was having such a hard time) does not ease. I never became close with my roommates, I bombed my classes, and I never got to form the tight bonds that most people fondly recall when they indulge in freshman year reminiscence. I have no good memories of freshman year. I just remember crying a lot and feeling so deeply hopeless. I think i just have so much negativity associated with Duke that I'm not sure I can make it right anymore. Still, I have thought deeply and often about whether Duke was (is) ever a good "fit" for me, whether I should have gone to rutgers afterall. I'll never know, and it'll never make a difference anyway because in 10 months I'll be graduated.

With that said, I will have taken a rather circuitous path to medical school. If I had forsaken my place in Duke's class of 2010, I would have gone to Rutgers these past 3 years and will have technically started my first year of med school this fall through the combined/accelerated program. Instead, I am taking an intro bio class in September. And then I'm going to cram an intro chem class in the spring before I graduate. And then I'm taking 2-3 classes in the summer, probably at rutgers, and another 2 in the fall of 2010, before taking the MCATs in the spring of 2011. I'd apply in the summer/fall of 2011 and matriculate in the fall of 2012. On the other hand, I could participate in a post-bacc program geared towards people who have never taken the pre-med requirements in college. The major benefit would be their "linkage" programs, allowing me to enroll directly in the fall to a school. But if I want to do a formal program, I cannot take anymore pre-med classes at Duke (They are geared for people who have not taken the basic sciences). I'll probably take classes on my own, since I'm in no rush and would actually appreciate the time off in between school and more school.

This summer's been good to me. I feel so grounded at home. I go to work, I come home. I eat, run/lift/play/walk/move around, shower, read, sleep. I like it better when life is simple like this.



I'll leave you with this precious photo of my cat because it makes me smile like a proud mama :]

After 3-4 weeks of keeping a food/workout blog, I've decided it's not the type of blog I want to keep for the following reasons:

1. It takes too much time. How do people do this?! Between my commute, my job, my workout, and enough sleep to sustain me through the next day, I barely have any time to breathe. I'd rather use my precious little time to read others' blogs, read books, watch TV, spend time with my parents, and play computer games :P

2. I feel constrained about what to post. When did I become afraid of what people thought about me on the internet (real life is a different story, heh)? After starting to read Good Calories, Bad Calories, I've started eating a lot more fat and saturated fat (and animal products in general). That kind of diet jives a little with how most of my readers were eating. I suppose if I were secure enough, I wouldn't care what people might think (assuming they think ANYTHING, but who am I to assume I'm so important that my entries merit anyone's judgment?), but I do care. I care terribly.

3. Writing about food/workouts gets a little boring, and it's not cathartic the way navel-gazing is. Sometimes I just want to babble uncoherently (um like right now) about life woes and my wordpress gig wasn't providing me with the freedom to do so. I've been with LJ since 2000 or 2001 or something and I never feel as though I am "imposing" on anyone by making massive entries of text; nor do I feel unloved/uncreative/undeserving/un-anything if I don't receive comments or if people don't read. LJ is just for me.



With all that out of the way,

I miss jason terribly. Goodness I miss him terribly. I had a dream about him last night. I don't know how it started or how it ended or even what happened, only that it was a good dream. I haven't talked to him in so long. I haven't "really" talked to him in even longer. I miss him so much and must keep reminding myself that there is a reason why we are not seeing each other this summer.

I want school to start again. I want to see people. I want to see Jason. I want to see who will live on my floor. and yet I don't want duke either. Home is such a safe place with all the privacy and solitude I can ever want. Sometimes I want to just be graduated already. *sigh*

I am also debating med school after I graduate. I've only taken a single premed requirement (organic chemistry), so this would require 7 more classes, which I would take after I raduate from Duke. Since I'm doing a thesis, I don't want to impose any more lab classes/hard classes/GPA bombs on my schedule next semester. I'm in no rush to go to med school and I do want to take it easy for a bit after I graduate so I think this will be the best plan. This way, I'll probably graduate with a better GPA, and then have more time/energy to devote to pre-med classes/MCAT studying next year. Some schools offer post-bac pre-med programs for people who have not taken the required classes in high school. I am debating whether or not I want to do a formal program or just study up by myself... but probably the latter, which would entail my living at home and commuting daily to rutgers.

oh, I dunno

I am getting so much out of work (I intern at a small tiny biotechnology company and work in a lab all day, purifying proteins and doing assays). Sometimes I dislike it, but nobody would pay anyone anything to do something incredibly fun either now, would they?

in other news

I don't think I'm ever going to be a fast or strong runner because my shin/leg pains are back again. I still have hopes of doing the beijing marathon in October 2010 but obvi that won't happen if I start taking classes against for med school and also if I can't manage running 10mi/week without pain!

astres  is pretty cool. She set up a feed for livejournal of my new blog, gymratfoodie and you can access it here:

http://syndicated.livejournal.com/gymratfoodie/


Thanks Kate :) 





Bcuz we hate text-only posts...
Here's a picta. I like visuals because I'm a visual learner.



From left to right: Jason and me (as if that wasn't obvious)
Duke University Last Day of Classes (LDOC) 2009

I get bored of livejournal sometimes. Add me on twitter!

www.twitter.com/alliterating



8 more days until I go home. My 20-page paper has a very rough first draft of 12 pages. After I finish that, my 8-page paper will seem like a floozy. FLEWZEEE

I have drawn up some goals in my head for the summer, specific ones because I have a poor track record of sticking to any vague fancy. They include reading, chinese, and running, primarily. More on this later.

Girl Talk came to play at Duke to an inebriated crowd and it was SO GOOD. He (Greg Gillis) is a biomedical engineer by day, too! Wow! I almost got trampled in the crowd, oh shit oh shit. And ben folds and gym class heroes came too, but ben folds was lackluster and I completely missed gym class heroes because -------

GET THIS. I was an official WITNESS to 3 counts of burglary! Breaking and entering! One of which was to Jason's room; we were actually in his room when it happened. The door was locked and suddenly someone started POUNDING on the door. Pounding really, really hard. Sure enough, the door split in HALF after a couple of hits. Yeah, a wooden door just split down the middle and in walked RANDO who barked at us, "WHERE IS MY COOLER?!?!" so we called the popo, they arrested him and took him away in handcuffs. Apparently the backstory was that he had stored a coolerful of beers with his friend in the fraternity. He couldn't find the cooler anymore and was convinced someone in the fraternity stole it. So he broke down 3 locked, wooden doors to look for it, and now has been arrested for 3 counts of burglary because he was drunk and stupid. Well, that totally killed the mood.

What an adventure.

I am going to sleep now, but do add me on twitter.

Things hurt  in ways and places I didn't know were possible




Waking up at daylight and living until I sleep feels surreal

This is the first year I put serious thought into putting together my bracket. Things have already begun to derail with florida state, WVU, and wake's losses in the first round (since I predicted them to all go to the sweet 16). I love Wake and their style, and think they'll do much, much better next year with consistency since their graduating class is weak anyway, and hopefully with this early loss none of their starters will make the NBA and all return with more consistency and experience. 

Twitter is fueling my basketball addiction. I can now wallow/gloat/panic in real time with everyone else while watching all the games. Thank goodness I don't have much to do this weekend.

My schedule is so light this semester: drawing, psych of consumers, intro to cultural anthropology, my independent study, and cycling! Drawing is time and assignment-intensive, but it's not taxing. My class is 16 people, none of them visual arts/art history majors -- but plenty of engineers and chem and econ majors who doodle as a hobby. Psych of consumers meets just once a week with very little homework and all the concepts are so intuitive I wonder if we actually complicate the issue by creating a class -- or an entire scientific field -- devoted to its studies. But I try to keep in mind the theme, which is that things in consumer psychology aren't always as it seems or should be, and that intuition often fails. Culanth has lots of interesting readings and videos, and the professor is so engaging. It's just an all-around enjoyable class. I like cycling, but I don't really like the class anymore. Lately the instructor has said some things that bothered me: including how she ate such-and-such and needed to burn plenty of calories that day, talking about exercise as a means to achieve weight loss. She has a shape-magazine style of favoring terms such as "toning," and encouraging the class to use low-weight-high-rep when we venture off the bike into resistance training (which I wish she wouldn't do to begin with). I don't think I will take this again next semestr. Independent study entails going into the lab 10-15hrs a week and learning techniques/doing odd jobs around the lab. No exams, just a 20-page paper at the end of the semester. If I'm ever going to make dean's list with distinction, this would probably be my best shot. I can't wait to pick classes for next semester.

ON RUNNING! It's a gorgeous high of 55 today, and if I can peel myself from watching bball games I'll go run on the wa-duke trail (where my 5k is going to be held!) but if not, no biggie; the maryland-memphis game is important  ;p

British psychoanalyst and author Susie Orbach is known for approaching eating disorders from a feminist angle, especially addressing how body expectations/body image is gendered and harmful to women. While eating disorders is a feminist issue, it's also too complex and multifaceted to be only a feminist issue. Body image and gender dynamics probably contribute to EDs, but the fact that  genetic vulnerabilities and neurochemical changes underlie eating disorders as well is often left out of the media. I cringe whenever eating disorders are portrayed as a matter of wanting to be thin, or wanting control, because I think those are SYMPTOMS, not causes. There's a whole realm of physiological factors that are often ignored. Nevertheless, I like Susie Orbach and her spunky attitude in promoting body love and healthy self image. In a recent interview promoting her new book "Bodies," I found this gem of a quote:

"I wish we could treat our bodies as the place we live from, rather than regard it as a place to be worked on, as though it were a disagreeable old kitchen in need of renovation and update."



I made a green smoothie today!
1 ripe banana
1 carton of 6oz yogurt (I used yoplait original, strawberry flavor)
1 TBS ground flax
A couple of almonds
4 or 5 ice cubes
a handful of spinach

It's bright green, thick, and deliciously sweet! I couldn't taste the spinach at all. And now I regret not getting an apartment next year because it's incredibly hard to prepare food/cook in dorms... it's possible, but more work than it's worth. Haha. And I don't think I can buy a green smoothie at the Great Hall.


My Dukies lost against UNC during the game that determined the ACC leader of the regular season,, and since Wake Forest beat Clemson, we were seeded in the ACC tournament at #3. If we had won that game, we would have been the #1 seed in the conference. Duke played really hard, though, but their shots just didn't fall in as easily as UNC. I don't know if we can be a final four team without a powerful center. We need to have someone capable of scoring at the post and drawing fouls. The pick and rolls and jump shots that our stars are so good at aren't effective when the shooting goes cold, and during the entire game I couldn't help but notice how much effort each basket seemed to demand, while UNC shots seemed effortless.

I'm going to stay with Casey tomorrow night, and possibly Molly later this week!
Every day should be spring break :)

News in my life... Heh

I saw a preview showing of Miss March -- am I allowed to talk about it here? I want to. Heh. It doesn't come out until march 14. Maybe I'll wait until then. What are the laws surrounding this?

I really want to go to a transgender 101 lesson/event on campus held by the LGBT center during the last week of march, but I have class during the session. They always schedule their ally-targeted events at times when I have classes. Grrrr! Maybe I'll skip class; this is important.

Running... why is running so much harder for me on a treadmill? I've run outside for 40 minutes at a stretch, but today I ran on a treadmill and felt pretty wiped out by 30 minutes. I don't think I was going any faster. Maybe I just get so bored staring at the walls that every second feels like it crawls. It just surprises me because everyone else claims treadmill running is easier. I can also do a pull-up again. Apparently when I said I couldn't do one before, I just wasn't trying hard enough.

It's spring break! My mom got me presents (she always gets me presents when I come home!) of lotion, body butter, body mist, and an orange polo. I've been wearing nothing but cotton tshirts and gym shorts lately because they're so comfortable and free-flowing and make me feel less critical of my body. How do girls wear tight pants and tight shirts?

Ramble ramble ramble. Sunday is the game that will probably boast the single highest television ratings of the college basketball season -- DUKE UNC! Unfortunately, UNC is going to be a healthy team, while starter pg nolan smith is out for a concussion, sometimes-starter  lance thomas is out for a sprained ankle, and sometimes-starter center brian zoubek has a broken nose and will probably play with a face mask. This game is going to be legendary -- it's tyler hansborough's last game, senior game, and in the same stadium against the same team who broke HIS nose last year :)

I know I talk about basketball a lot and nobody who reads this even cares... but man, since I started watching games on espn360, I CANT STOP WATCHING. Yesterday I watched probably 2-3 games in full (that's 4-6 hours.............BUT that penn 1-pt upset over illinois was exciting!!!!) while doing homework/half assedly studying. I know like, everything about bubble teams and chances and probabilities and records and conferences and who-needs-what-win in time for selection sunday... and it is only starting to escalate now that my dad has sportscenter playing 24/7.

I also went berry tripping! You put a tablet on your tongue, let it melt, and then for the next 20-30 minutes, everything sour that you eat tastes super sweet. Strawberries taste like they're coated in sugar. Vinegar tastes kind of like juice. fresh lemon tastes like lemonade! And grapefruit tastes like ....well, candied grapefruit. It's SO COOL. I kind of want to buy a 40-pack and take a berry trip a day.

shower and bedtime :]

Why can't we just rephrase this question to "what are your 5 favorite DVDs?"
Or does the context of magical desert island that has electricity, TV, and a DVD imply something beyond a question of favorites?

Well, anyway, I'd say:

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind -- I've seen this movie with so many significant people in my life that it's now associated with many memories, positive and negative and bittersweet alike.

2. American Beauty -- enough roses to make anyone happy :)

3. Wall-E -- It just makes me fuzzy, and when I think desert island, I think of the lonely 40 minutes in the beginning of the movie when Wall-E is alone on earth amassing trash.

4. Crash -- I like stories on race relations, as well as movies that are intense and poignant. Crash sits at the intersection of both.

5. Milk -- I've never actually seen this, but what better place to watch a movie for the first time than on a desert island with "magical" properties?

• A pretty spot-on article about how parents' and society's concerns over eating healthfully has instilled fear and vigilance in children over food choices, with a telling quote from one of my previous doctors (!!!!!!!!!!): “I see younger kids who have an eating disorder precipitated by a nutrition lesson in school,” said Dr. Leslie Sanders, medical director of the eating disorders program at Atlantic Health Overlook Hospital in Summit, N.J.
• Duke basketball is amazing. Nolan Smith out with "mild concussion," but Gerald Henderson was so good last night in the win against Maryland and so fun to watch!
• Speaking of basketball...OMG DEVIN HARRIS. The nets are still bad-to-mediocre but that buzzer beater from half-court ... wow. I can't wait to go home and watch NBA with my dad now :)
• Spring break in a week!

It's national eating disorders awareness week.
Be the change you want to see in the world! :)

You know that "25 facts about me" that has been circulating around facebook? I keep hearing complaints from people of annoyingly being tagged over and over, and couldn't help but feel a little inadequate that of my 800-some-odd friends, nobody had tagged me. Until yesterday, bylastshadow ! Not that I ever need an excuse to indulge in some vanity on my livejournal, but still -- the instructions! Not that I ever follow meme instructions anyway.

So here are my 25 facts, under the cut.

( Read more... )

Today is such a beautiful day outside
and I'm just determined to be okay, just for tonight

It's very hard and a lot of times I am very sad
but I'm also very strong, too, so I know I can do this.

I don't know how to say what I feel

I want to go home and be by myself though.

God damnit.

It shouldn't be this hard, it shouldn't make me tear up when I think about it, even if it's only "sometimes"
IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD
IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD
I should not be sitting in the fucking library after dinner crying in public at my computer cubby because I feel so shitty about myself after a nice dinner at a nice venue, and trying to hide it all from him because this stupid issue comes up so often that all we EVER do is talk about it until the cows come home, and oh goodness do the "I'm sorries" and the "I don't know what to dos" ever become so stale.


Is it me or is it him? Is this even a relevant question?
How do I change? How do I bear not changing?

I debate going back to therapy over this.

Sorry this is vague. Vague is all that I can do if I want to make a public entry, and there's nothing so refreshing and satisfying as venting an incomplete secret to the world.

Song of the moment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9IizQezbiBA
So catchy. I've been waiting for the repetitiveness to catch up causing me to inevitably LOATHE the song (as always happens with catchy songs on the radio), but it's been probably a month and DEARGOODNESS I LOVE THIS SONG. Ha, I especially like the cloying chorus. *bops head*


I can do an unassisted pullup now from a straight hang. One day it just happened, and I went from cant to can. It was quite anticlimactic. I'm still me, and everything still looks the same on me, and the world out there still looks the same from me. I can also hold the frontal plank (on elbows and tows) for 2 minutes with relative ease. I look so ...... square. dense. Ugh. I wish I could actually *WANT* to go to the gym everyday, but I 've NEVER liked exercising, and if I was the last person left in teh world, I doubt I would exercise anymore. Is it all for other people, then?

Last night I went out to dinner with jason's family (parents, 2 brothers, uncle and aunt) and the 8 of us had a family-style dinner at Maggiano's. I ate and felt very full -- and i'm still full now -- but instead of feeling uncomfortable or annoyed that I was eating more than Jason, I felt very happy. At least relieved, maybe, that his entire family is "normal" and they eat desserts and fried onion strings. And still a little bitter at him for being odd and making me feel conflicted. Then I had way too much to drink and my belly stuck out all night. Oh goodness.

OH AND DUKE IS GONNA BE RANKED #1 ON MONDAY AFTER THE MARYLAND ASS WHOOPIN HELL YEAH


I've decided to participate in a dance act that's part of a large yearly "asian culture" show at Duke, and practice is in half an hour! :) ITS REALLY FUN.

I got my drank and my two step, my drank and my two step
it's onnnn